Reminder: This is a diary entry. It is what I feel at the moment. If it encourages you, I am grateful.
I have relationship and trust issues. I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I can handle them really well now, but it is still there and I get them most of the time. There are moments when I get lost. I also space out and I stay quiet and overthinks about life. I get anxious, scared, and depressive from time to time. It is annoying and frustrating, but it happens. And, I am good at hiding it. Right now, I have a professional helper that is aiding me to continue to become a better and healthy individual. And I also know that with God nothing is impossible.
Honestly, I am afraid to build relationships. I am afraid to trust people again. But I am in a church ministry that requires to build relationships in order to function well. This is my daily struggle. This is my torn and my affliction. There are times that I would just rather stay home and be disconnected to the world. The inner psyche, my flesh, telling me to be alone. I do not want to meet other people. I do not want to socialize. I do not want to continue living this life. These are the lies that I have built up.
Then, there’s my spirit who is constantly fighting to move forward, to trust and love again, and to continue to be the light of this world. There’s the passion to preach His message. The heart to love and encourage people. The smile that gives joy to the broken. My spirit that is passionately in love with Christ.
It is not easy, but I truly believe that with God nothing is impossible. Whatever circumstances, issues, mental illness, and drawbacks I have, I give all to God. My personality disorder may be a disgrace to some people but I know that because of His grace, I have nothing to hide. My weakness will be His strength. My torn will be His message. My affliction will be His sword. My life will be His instrument.
So, I will continue to build relationships. I will continue to be vulnerable and transparent to the people around me. I love Christ and He is the reason why I am alive. He gives me strength, He gives me hope, and He gives me a future.
Remember, with God nothing is impossible.