Diary Entry: Abuse and Abandonment Issues

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Reminder: This is a diary entry. It is what I feel at the moment. If it encourages you, I am grateful.

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I have mistrust/abuse and abandonment issues. When something traumatic happens at a very young age, the young developing mind tries to understand something that is hard to comprehend so the brain develops maladaptive coping responses. In order for the young child to survive, he or she develops harmful schemas that are problematic when the child becomes adult.

There are three examples of coping responses;

  1. Surrender
  2. Avoidance
  3. Overcompensation

An example of surrender response for someone with abandonment issue is when a person selects partners who cannot make a commitment and remains in the relationship. This person will go to people who knows that will abandon them. It is unhealthy but this is a coping response for an individual with abandonment issue.

An example of avoidance response for someone with abandonment issue is a person avoids intimate relationships, or drinks a lot when alone. This person will avoid relationships because of the fear of abandonment.

An example of overcompensation for someone with abandonment issue is when a person clings to and “smothers” the partner to point of pushing partner away. Sometimes, this person vehemently attacks partner for even minor separations. This person will try to push people away, in a sense, they will try to abandon people first.

When it comes to abuse and mistrust responses; here are some examples.

Examples of surrender response on abuse schema

  • selects abusive partners and permits abuse
    • this person is attracted to abusive individuals.

Examples of avoidance response on abuse schema

  • Avoids becoming vulnerable and trusting anyone; secretive
    • trust issue at its highest point.

Examples of overcompensation response on abuse schema

  • Uses and abuses others
    • this person will try to get others before they get you.

There are other schemas than an individual develops as a coping response. My therapist identified four strong schemas in my personality. Thankfully, my therapist is working really hard as we go through schema therapy together. It is not pleasant especially when we have to talk about the past, but I am happy that I have someone who can communicate well with me. I am not 100% healthy, maybe I will never be, but with God by my side, I fear nothing.

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I really do not know what lies ahead but I’m still walking. I have hurt people. There are family and friends that abandoned me when I needed them the most. I can’t trust people. I have come to learn how to response when people are just using me. I have come to learn how to response when people are actually caring for me. I am not ashamed to tell my story because why would I? This is part of my healing process. Blogging about my situation helps me get through my situation. Yes, I still get depressed. Yes, there are times when I want to not exist. Yes, there are times when I would rather be alone. Yes, there are times when I am overwhelmed with sadness. But, so what? I got a bigger God who I cling onto that would never abandon me. A God that will never betray me. A God that will accept me for who I am and will forgive me despite of all my mistakes.

If you are going through the same thing, trust issues, abandonment issues, or whatever issues that you are dealing with. Aren’t you tired? I suggest counseling or therapy. I truly believe there’s nothing wrong going to counseling. It is just like going to the doctor if you have a broken bone. These issues are part of our mind because of traumatic events in the past, so why not go to counseling for our broken mind. And mind and our soul is interconnected, so I also believe that praying is important.

And now, if you are a friend who is struggling, especially if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I am suggesting that maybe we need to do more than just praying. Maybe, we need to reach out for people that are mentally broken. Maybe, we need to get out sometimes of our comfort zone and actually love the unlovable. The people with mental illness that are just surrounded with darkness, depression, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness. Maybe, you are reading this because you want to judge me. How about, reach out to me instead of spreading gossips? I volunteer for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), maybe, you should volunteer with me and experience more than just blabbing like a Pharisee. How about after praying for people, how about talking to them and listening and understanding what they are going through? Instead of judging and telling them that they are crazy or hopeless, how about spend time and get to know them?

I have lost so many friends, who just can not or do not want to deal with me. But I have friends who stayed loyal in the end. I even have someone who I pushed so far out from my life, and yet, this friend stayed loyal to me. I am thankful for that person. Can you be that person to someone? Can you?

Okay, I am done ranting.

May is Mental Illness Awareness Month.

God bless.

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