..because I love Him…

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I remember when Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar for Best Actor. The social media world was ecstatic. What if that coveted award be taken away from him? What if the film people who decides who wins take away his Best Actor trophy?

I do not know if Leo was really seeking for that award. However, I know that the fans were waiting, praying, begging, and wishing for that Oscar for Leo. There will be social media riot I bet, and a hashtag, #WhyGodWhy?

I have the same question when God asked Abraham to kill his son? The promised son that Abraham has been waiting for. The son that will continue his legacy. Legacy to become God’s holy people.

In the story, it shows Abraham’s character on how he knows who really God is. He knows God’s character. He probably does not know how God will provide, but He believes in Him so even in the final moment, he was willing to kill his son.

I wonder if I can handle the same thing if God takes away His promise for me.

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Today, I had a great session with my therapist. I’ve been in therapy for over three months now but today felt different. I was sharing him about this Abraham passage. I told my therapist that even if God takes away His promise for me. I don’t care because I love Him so much that I will continue to serve, not because of the vision that He gave me but because I love Him.

Two years ago, I lost everything; my passion to serve, my church family, my trust towards people, and beloved friends. I am in therapy now because of that incident. I have to go through an hour of schema therapy so I can cope my anxiety and panic episodes. I have to go to psychotherapy to talk about my suicidal thoughts, depression, and trust issues with the church. I have to take this time to heal myself. It is hard to talk about it with other people because of the stigma behind mental illness, but I am glad that blogging helps.

In the meantime, my Bible School produces spiritual guidance in my life. My new church knows  about my depression and they are not judgemental. The pastor supports the idea of psychotherapy that he recommended me the therapist that I have now. My therapist is truly helping me understand what’s going on with my mind. I am glad that I went to counseling because it develops my identity in Christ even more.

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There are times when I think about my old family. There are times when I think that the vision that God gave me ended there. There were times when I say, “what is the purpose of going to Bible School?” There were times when I ask God, “Am I done?”

Last Monday, my professor gave a very prophetic devotional before the class starts. He shared the story of Abraham, and simply ended that, “I don’t know if anyone needs to hear this, but God wants me to share this story to inform that God may want to take away the Promise that God has given you.”

I dwell on that statement for three days until I told my therapy what I really feel about the message. I told my therapist that “I no longer care if God takes away His promise, because I know God’s nature and He will always do what is right, so I will just continue to serve… because I love Him.”

Because I love Him. Simple as that. I don’t care what people say. I love Him.

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Today, I can actually say that I am glad that incident happened because it gave me freedom and healing from my traumatic childhood past.

Maybe, one day, I can share it. But for now, I still need to go to therapy for more guidance.

Have a wonderful weekend.

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The Adventure of “Ishmahman” Jireh

Provider’s Hands, Heart, and Mind.

 

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