I am sharing this personal diary entry to share the world that mental illness is real. The mental struggle of an individual is fatal. I wrote this entry when I felt hopeless and numb. I felt like a floating log waiting for wherever the river takes me. People like me suffer, and we all suffer differently. You are about to read is my raw feeling during that time.
WAITING FOR HOPE
There’s a part of me that is hoping for a something better. However, my confused mind is trapped with negative ideas that the only question I can think of is, “when will I eventually end my life?”
It is scary when it seems all hope is gone. I am losing my faith. I do believe that God is there, and Jesus saves and forgives all my sin. I have a family that cares for me. I have some friends that admires me. However, it is me that is decaying. I am fake to them. I am living a life of sadness. I put a mask, a facade, when I am around them because nobody wants to be with sad people. No matter how I try to be happy, I can no longer see or feel what happiness nor joy. I will have temporary pleasure, excitement, laughter, but deep within, I am broken and sad. I cannot tell my close friends, only a therapist because my friends do not want to see me sad all the time. This is what depression feels like. The stigma of the culture enveloping the human soul that pushes people away that causes more depression to one’s soul.
Right now, I am just waiting the day where I will end my life so I can just be with God, where there will be no more pain, no more sorrow, because right now, I no longer see what I can offer to this world. All hope is gone. My hope in myself is gone. My hope to humanity is gone. My hope to my friends is gone. I am hopeless.
Good bye. I wonder if someone can truly help me. I wonder if God will do something to revive me. I wonder if my older friends will truly understand the depths of my frailty. I wonder if someone will ever miss me.
Even if they care, even if they remember, it is me who wants to end my life because I have nothing to live for. This sadness is too much for me. I have given it to God and yet I do not understand why He does not take it away from me. I am a sinner, maybe I deserved this. I hurt people. I deserved this unbearable punishment.
Lord, take me please. I am done.
I am sharing this because I want people to understand the hell that people go through. It is an invisible illness that is hard to understand. If the people from the outside struggle to understand mental illness, it is even harder for the individual with mental illness to comprehend themselves. For my dear friends that are hiding the pain, I want you to know that you are not alone. All I can offer is that I am with you; and I will jump in the darkness to be with you. Just don’t lose hope.