Are you the bridge or the troubled water?
Sometimes, we are the troubled water. When life gets weary, tears are falling, and life seems so unfair, we just need a bridge, a friend, or someone who can be with us.
Today, memories came coming forward. An old friend said to me, “just like old times.” It may be a sincere thought, but it was a painful one.
It reminded me of my failures. It reminded me that I was the one that they couldn’t save. I was the one that they left on the side of the road because they thought I was hopeless. It reminded me of losing a family that was dear to me. It brought negative ideas instead of hopeful meaning. It reminded me where I needed to be.
I need to be far away from them. I no longer need to visit, come back, and put myself in a situation that brings painful past. I have moved on. I have carried this pain for so long. I have been punishing myself for three years. They are no longer my family. They are no longer my bridge. They are no longer my troubled water. They mean nothing to me now. I have tried, but I am too tired of trying now.
I am writing it all down because maybe I am the troubled water. I keep hating myself for pushing myself that maybe I can get better if I try. I want to try. I want to forgive. I want to love. But, I just can’t. Three years have gone, but I am still in pain because every time I see them, I just want to vomit. Not because I hate them, but because of this uneasy feeling of anxiety that my mind had produced.
I wish I have never gone there. I wish I was somewhere else. Because right now, I feel like crap.
Provider's Hands, Heart, and Mind 