Crush is a funny word. Its literal meaning is “romantic attraction that is somewhere short of love” – something short-lived and superficial. But buried in the word’s etymology is somewhat contradictory sense of intensity, of something pressing or grinding (and even a sense of violence if you consider the word’s original meaning, which included a loud crashing or cracking sound). Crush can lasts only a brief while then is gone, can also be intense and even overwhelming. (Literature: The Human Experience, pg. 122)
It is a good feeling but also a dangerous one.
Sayonara is a Japanese word meaning goodbye. However, that goodbye is used for not seeing someone for a very long time. Or saying goodbye to a stranger. It can be sad goodbye. It is used when you are about to leave, and you won’t see them again. It can be a sorrowful farewell.
The word is far deeper in my own personal meaning. I went to Japan just two weeks ago. It was a wonderful experience. I was amazed how polite Japanese people are. They may not know English very well, but they are still trying to communicate to us westerners. One thing that I truly enjoyed was when I was in Shibuya, the famous crossing. I am not fond of buildings or anything that was created by human. I am more of a nature kind of guy. However, there was something in that place. I was lost in the midst of the crowd. There were tourists who were just there to take selfies and pictures. There were regular people who just wants to go to the other side of the crosswalk. And, there were people just like me, who were just absorbing such existential experience.
I have to say goodbye to some people for a very long time. It was a sayonara to some strangers that I met, and also a painful sayonara who are also dear to me. I have to accept that. It will be hard, but I have to.
I have a crush right now. I am like a teenager again, having the butterfly feeling inside my stomach. Yes, I threw up already. Due to my anxiety attacks, having a crush on someone is not a good thing for me. However, she’s making me smile. And, I am glad.
I know that it might be short-lived, and I also know that I might end up devastated. But, what the heck? I am glad that I met her. I wonder if she’s my “sayonara,” a quick goodbye, because It will be for a while to see her again. I wonder if this crush is also fleeting, or will turn into something more? Or maybe, she’ll be my “hello.”
So, Sayonara to my past. Hello to my future!