Looking Forward (Diary Entry)



I am looking ahead. I am still trying. Lately, my anxiety attacks and nightmares have risen again. There are places where I do not want to go. There are moments where I do not want to remember. There are situations that I do not want to be part of. And yet, I have to deal with these things.

Grieving is such a long process. Even depression is creeping its way back in. Overeating is a major problem, then, there is laziness. What do I mean by laziness? Hmm, laziness meaning that you are comfortable enough to get a C on your class, even though you know that you can earn an A. That type of laziness.

Honestly, I want something new. I want to leave San Diego. I want to live in another state, or even better, go to another country. I really haven’t thought about this, but writing it down makes it official. I have to start praying for this. Hey, maybe it will stop these mini flashbacks, panic attacks, and endless unfortunate memory recalls. San Diego is beautiful, there are wonderful memories here, sadly, there are also traumatic events here. I want to create new memories with new people in a new place. Where should I go?

However, let’s be real for a moment. I will just get stuck here in this place. Why? because that’s life. We can not just run away from things, we have to face them. But, I am tired of facing them. I am tired of remembering them. I am tired of hating them. I am tired of myself. I am slowly hating myself. How can I love others, when I no longer love myself. Because I am not waving, I am drowning.

Deep stuff, huh? I guess I haven’t written in a few months. I have bottled up so many angry, painful, and rejected thoughts. I’m scared. I am angry. I am sad. I am in pain. And yet, I live day to day. I work, I go to church, I pray. But, it seems I am just a zombie going where the flow is, camouflaging to the society, that are also broken like me.

I am thirsty for revival. I know that I can do better. I know that I can move mountains. I know that I can influence people. I know….I know….I know….

but Lord, can you just be with me for a moment?

Can you remind me of your resurrection? A powerful revival, coming out of the grave, where you left pain, angry, sorrow, and sin.

Lord, can you just be with me right now? (in tears…)

I know that You prayed for me. I know that when You were here on earth, You thought of me. And until today, You are still thinking of me. Remind me of the prayer…

“My prayer is not for them alone (disciples during that time). I pray also for those who will believe through their message, that all for them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you send me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one. I in them and you in me so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and loved them even as you have loved me.”

I am your servant, and I know that you love me.

So, yes, I am looking forward.

I am looking forward to the plans that the Lord has for me. Whatever it is. Wherever will it be. I will be okay.

Lord, here I am. I’m all yours.