Remember this is a diary entry, the feelings and emotions are raw! If I hurt you, I’m sorry. I’m just ranting.
I hate this body right now. It is defective and expensive. When you thought you are all feeling great and strong, then suddenly you get weak and sick. I’ve only missed two days of my meds, and I am exhausted again. My left leg is hurting, my ears are ringing, and I am always thirsty. I know that I should always be thankful, but can I complain and just rant? Can I just complain that this disease sucks!!! That I hate this disease affecting my daily life. That I am only 32 years old, and I feel like a grandpa already. I am taking 4 medicines, four freaking medicines. 1 for blood clots, 1 for blood pressure, 1 for my mutated gene, and 1 for my tinnitus. I don’t even know if I have side effects. Maybe, this irritability is one of them. I don’t know if these symptoms are from the meds, my disease, my age, my work, or whatever causing all these pain. All I know is I’m tired and I don’t care, just take them all away please.
I want to play volleyball again
I want to go hiking again.
I want to preach again.
I want to be in ministry again.
I want to function properly at work again.
But, I’m tired. I’m really tired.
I’ve heard a message few days ago about Psalm 23:
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
King David got real personal with his attention with God. And I know that he is like a sheep trusting his shepherd.
“Lord, I am so exhausted right now. Emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, and spiritually. But, I trust in You. I trust you.”