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Diary Entry: I’m tired

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Remember this is a diary entry, the feelings and emotions are raw! If I hurt you, I’m sorry. I’m just ranting.

I hate this body right now. It is defective and expensive. When you thought you are all feeling great and strong, then suddenly you get weak and sick. I’ve only missed two days of my meds, and I am exhausted again. My left leg is hurting, my ears are ringing, and I am always thirsty. I know that I should always be thankful, but can I complain and just rant? Can I just complain that this disease sucks!!! That I hate this disease affecting my daily life. That I am only 32 years old, and I feel like a grandpa already. I am taking 4 medicines, four freaking medicines. 1 for blood clots, 1 for blood pressure, 1 for my mutated gene, and 1 for my tinnitus. I don’t even know if I have side effects. Maybe, this irritability is one of them. I don’t know if these symptoms are from the meds, my disease, my age, my work, or whatever causing all these pain. All I know is I’m tired and I don’t care, just take them all away please.

I want to play volleyball again

I want to go hiking again.

I want to preach again.

I want to be in ministry again.

I want to function properly at work again.

But, I’m tired. I’m really tired.

I’ve heard a message few days ago about Psalm 23:

Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

King David got real personal with his attention with God. And I know that he is like a sheep trusting his shepherd.

“Lord, I am so exhausted right now. Emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, and spiritually. But, I trust in You. I trust you.”

#always ♾

3 thoughts on “Diary Entry: I’m tired”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear that you haven’t been well. I too am Jak 2+ w/ET. And I know that there are good days & bad days. Thank you for being raw & honest. I understand your pain completely I too was in ministry & had to quit b/c of my health. One of the things I’ve been learning through this Journey is 1 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” That’s so amazing that as hard as it is to see we have been chosen to boast in our weakness. That no matter what! Christ is our Lord and he loves us so much that through our sufferings he is walking w/ us step by step. I remind myself everyday that I AM HEALED! because in heaven there is no such thing as sickness. If I am already a citizen of the kingdom of God then Healing belongs to me as my birthright. I’m praying for you brother in Christ, that the Joy of the Lord is your strength and that the Lord continues to uplift you through all this. Be Blessed!

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