One step at a time

Don’t lose sight of yourself. You are different for a reason. Take a look around you, even if you have a twin, you are still different. And that’s the beauty of it.

Myeloproliferative Neoplasm (MPN) is a chronic blood cancer. It used to be just a disorder or a disease, but when they found out about some gene mutations on most patients, World Health Organization changed it to neoplasm; an abnormal growth. With MPN patients, all have different symptoms, some might have only one, others two, while some zero. In my case, I have three: tinnitus(ringing in the ear), fatigue, and easily dehydrated. And, recently, random bone pain. It makes me wonder if it is from my sickness or I’m just getting old.

Lately, I have been thinking about my sickness. There are times when there are no pain at all. And then, if I just ate something, forgot to drink water, or even woke up weirdly, my body just wants to shut down. I’ll get some random chest pain, and it makes me pause for a minute. It gets quiet, and all I can hear is the ringing in my ears. I am slowly adapting to these changes.

However, I noticed my different perspective in life. I already I have a positive attitude, but now, I am more of A++ when it comes to my encouragement status. I no longer care for some petty small things that most people complain about such as loud noises, cold fries, or out if order signs. I tend to be more thankful now. I don’t care what people think about me, and I have more courage on things that scares me. I enjoy little crazy things such as getting stuck in traffic, receiving a wrong order from a restaurant, and looking for random objects from the ground.

But sometimes, my mood swings from one side to another. I get irritated easily especially when I’m hurting. I get lazy and just do nothing for a day. And, I cry randomly. I’ve also been regretting things from the past that I wished I have done differently. But, I have to move on. Because I think my meds are talking!

All these changes are difficult, but I have to accept it. I’m in an online support group, and there are plenty of encouraging posts from people with MPN. Most of them, lived a long life, some progressed to a serious disease, and some endured plenty of hospital visits.

I will be real with you. There is a chance that my disease progresses to a serious leukemic cancer that I have to go through Stem Cell Transplant, a bone marrow transplant. That would be the worst possible scenario. The other one, is I can live a long life taking my low dose chemo medicines, and just feel like a normal human.

I don’t know what lies ahead. All I can do now is take one step at a time with this disease. Yes, I worry. Yes, I overthink. Yes, I’m hurting. But, that’s not gonna help me. I will enjoy each moment, every minute, and every day of my life one step at a time. I got this!