Life in 3D: Deep Dark Depression

It is time to be transparent for my readers.

I will share an entry in my actual diary regarding depression.

This was written on November 18, 2014. My life was seriously crumbling down. I have never felt so abandon and alone before. The depression occurred when I was in high school. It was pure sadness even when things in my life were great. When, I was young, I thought I was just sad. But, I knew that something was wrong because the people that were really close to me were seeing things that shows a different side of me. I was in turmoil, very emotional, and in serious confusion. I hated myself because I actually had no idea what was going on with me. If my friends were confused, I was way more confused. Until, last year, when things really changed. I had to isolate from people, but that isolation led me into a total pit of darkness. Suicidal thoughts were rampaging. Hate online posts were rising. Anguish, sadness, grieve, and total emptiness took over my life.

I am glad there were people that really tried so hard to help me. They were physically there for me or through text messages and phone calls checking on me on a regular basis. Even though, I was struggling to live. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and when I go to school, I cannot concentrate. I cried every night. It was the darkest year of my life. 2014 was when I felt abandoned by my closest friends, my family, and God. And giving up was the only way to take away the pain that I was dealing.

That’s the setting. I hope as you read the entry. You will try to understand the pain that I was going through. If you notice in the picture, it was written from the back because I did not want to continue writing from the front because I knew that this entry that I was about to write will be something dark, deep, and painful. This entry was my only way to relieved the pain. I like to write, it was my way to cope the pain.

Enjoy reading.

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I hate you depression! I hate you so much. Here, I am dwelling in a solitude of darkness. I don’t want to write anything. I don’t want to tell my parents. I don’t want to tell anyone. But, I want someone to help me. I’m begging, I don’t want any of this. It is so painful. I don’t want to go to work, to school, and it feels like I’m faking everything but I am suffering severely. I hate you sadness! I hate you! I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t know who to call. I just don’t know anymore.

I am so tired.

I am so tired.

I am so tired.

I can’t handle this pain. It is too much. Lord, please help me. Please.. I can’t… I can’t. I’m so tired… I don’t know who to talk to anymore. I’m all alone. I will always be alone. I don’t want to fake it anymore. I don’t want to die but I want to die so much.

I am so tired…

I am so tired…

I am so tired…

I am so tired…

I am so tired…

I don’t want to call anyone…

I am scared to scare them…

Please, Lord… Oh! Thank you! Closer to Your Heart! Closer to Your Heart. You are the light in this dark. Lord, help me.

Jireh 11/18/14

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  – actual diary entry

Why am I sharing?

First. a self-vindication that I am still alive. A self realization that I am strong because I have overcome something traumatic, overwhelming, and depressing. Most people that go through what I went through are probably still in denial, or still hiding because they do not want to go back to that dark place. Well, I am different. I want to share so that others who are suffering can understand that depression is real even for Christians. Depression punched me but I survived. I am thriving and would want to help others that are still struggling. I know your pain, I dwelt in that pit of darkness. I’ve been at the bottom of the well. I felt that suffocating water. I heard that eerie sound of silence. I tasted the blood of defeat. I know. It hurts. But, I am here, writing to you to let you know, that I survived.

Second, to let go of the pain. After this entry, it took me 9 more months of recovery. I had to go through people to talk about the pain that I was dealing with. I had to let go of people mentally because even though I no longer see them, their memories were still in my brain that were causing me more depressed and sad. I am showing this, because I want to let go of that pain. I am in the process of healing. I may never be completely healed, but I am way better now than last year. I finally let go. I can finally say, I’m okay now.

Third, for you. You that is depressed, suicidal, and completely alone. You are not alone. I’ve been there also. Sin has corrupted my soul. Sin and chaos was with me. I needed God to forgive everything. I needed his grace over me. I asked for repentance. And, God was there. He was there. I will tell you right now! God wants the best for you. If he can heal me, if he can save me, if he can restore me, so can you!!! I believe. I do.

Therefore, readers. If you know someone who is emotionally struggling. The signs are they are clingy and need attention. They are suicidal and have negative thinking on life. They really are confused and they may not even understand what was going on with them. My advice is to seek therapy, not just a pastor, but counseling. Then, as a friend, it would even better if you join with them. Understand the situation. The whole process will be fruitful and healing. Praying for one another also helps. And if all fails, JUST BE THERE FOR THEM.

Happy readings.