I’ll be okay

The year is almost over. What happened?

I went to Hawaii in February, and then Cancun in July. My brother is back from Japan, and we’ve been hiking around San Diego. I have obtained several jump photographs as a souvenir; making a statement that I have landed on that place.

However, a little part of me, that one that I dislike the most always try to creep in, making my life miserable. This year, I think there was only one moment when it was dark. Although, I have no idea if I just numbed it or I am still carrying something that slows me down from moving ahead.

This year, I thought about dating again, being committed to someone, but there was a big heavy stone that I need to overcome. As a result, I ended up losing myself. I’m afraid that I no longer love Christ, I’m afraid that serving Him has just become work, an obligation, or just to please man’s eyes. I’m afraid that I have lost my self-worth, despite of that successful message that I preached around August where people praised me; it makes me wonder, if I ever can preached Christ again. Can I recommit myself to Christ? Can I love Him again?

I love Him, He is the only one who hasn’t left me when I was in the dark. But, I’m afraid that I am just walking in my faithless faith. I no longer see my future. I tried applying for other positions, but my application for AG Credential remains on my table, unsealed and incomplete. What’s missing? My heart. My heart is no longer right? There is no more blood pumping to love people. There is no more heat to warm others. There is a hole, that I do not want Jesus to fills in because I’m afraid that it’ll be used and abused again.

I’m afraid to serve the church wholeheartedly. I’m afraid to love a person wholeheartedly. I’m afraid to reach out to the broken. I’m afraid to ask for forgiveness. I’m afraid to seek counseling. I’m afraid that I would just quit life again.

But, that is life, right? We keep moving on? Is that even healthy? Especially for me? I’ll be honest, I do wish sometimes, I am not here.

Christmas is coming. I’ve been to dozens of Christmas gathering. It is fun, filled with joy and laughter, but here I am, pitying myself, indulging myself with darkness and loneliness. Can I blame mental health? Can I blame someone? It is I, who can only manage that. I am the only one who can change that… but can I?

I’m blabbing because I haven’t have a real talk to someone. And maybe blogging it, makes me feels better. I no longer want to talk to anyone about my real pain, they are probably tired of hearing it. I mean, who’s even reading this? Right?

How can I have a good job, and plenty of friends, be feel so alone and miserable? How can I be sad even when I have family that cares for me? How can I be thinking of not being here, when I’m surrounded with people that wants me to be here?

Then, why… do I still feel sad? Why do I feel numb? Why would I rather go to sleep and not wake up? Why would I rather be alone, and not be bothered? Why?

Now, I wonder… do I miss my old me? The happy and cheerful me who hides his sadness, or accept that I will always be sad, and just have to deal with it. It sucks, but I think I’ll be okay, right?

I will be okay. I will be okay.